A
Special Letter
to Our Best
Friends
Dear Dogs and Cats:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not
switch positions with each other so there are still
two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours
and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print
in the middle of my plate and food does not stake
a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do
I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR
and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is
not the objective. Tripping me doesn't help, because
I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a
king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not
think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping,
they can actually curl up in a ball! It is not necessary
to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out
to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
the other end to maximize space used is nothing but
sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret
exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat
you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or
get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door
open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years;
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go
smell other dogs' butts. I cannot stress this enough.
It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you, I have posted the following
message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like
to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your
clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I
like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she
is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks
on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids.
They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are
easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends,
don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the
latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need
a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant
you can sell the results.
One of our daughter's sent this to
us in an e-mail. I don't know who wrote it, but if
anyone knows I would be happy to give the person credit
on this page if you let me know.
